


all for the best

by kira_katrine



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Pre-Canon, Shenzhou Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-07-29 17:10:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20085784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kira_katrine/pseuds/kira_katrine
Summary: Joining Starfleet hadn't been part of Michael's plan.





	all for the best

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Shadaras](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadaras/gifts).

The fact that, after nearly thirteen years, Michael was back among humans again was starting to sink in.

The Shenzhou was so much _ noisier _ than she was used to. Not in an unprofessional way; they all seemed dedicated to their work from what she could tell, and she knew Captain Georgiou was one of the best and would presumably choose good people for her crew. But people on Vulcan kept to themselves in a way these people didn’t. They didn’t jabber excitedly about their findings to the person at the next work station over. They didn’t reach out and touch their colleagues on the shoulder for no apparent reason at all. 

The door to her quarters closed behind her, and Michael leaned back slightly against it. Finally, she was alone. She had wanted to serve on a starship for years, to explore new worlds and make discoveries and learn absolutely everything she could. And the rest of the crew of the Shenzhou seemed like perfectly capable, intelligent people. And of course, Captain Georgiou was widely known to be brilliant, courageous, committed to her ideals, everything a Starfleet captain should be.

But Michael had never expected to be serving with humans at all. They were unpredictable, illogical, the way she’d been told was _ wrong _for so many years. And they didn’t know how to react to her, a woman with a face and rounded ears like their own who spoke with the cadence of a Vulcan and greeted them with the ta’al.

Her quarters were different. They were quiet and still and blank. She had brought very little with her. Most of what she would need could be acquired from the synthesizers. A bag containing a few pieces of clothing and one admittedly special book, a new copy of _ Alice in Wonderland _ given to her as a graduation present, sat by the foot of her bed. The walls and surfaces were bare, the bed made up neatly to proper Starfleet standards.

All as it should be.

She would do everything she’d wanted to do, regardless of everyone else. She would learn all about the alien civilizations they were sure to encounter. She would excel by human standards, and if she could never meet those of Vulcans, she would still do her best. She would remember all she had learned from her father and her teachers at the Learning Center and the Vulcan Science Academy. She would not lose herself. She would not lose who she had become.

* * *

_ Dear Mother, _

_ I hope you are well. I have arrived safely on the USS Shenzhou. I have unpacked my belongings, and believe I am settling in well. My first proper duty shift will begin tomorrow morning. Today was merely my introduction to the ship and its crew. _

_ Captain Georgiou showed me around the ship. She suggested this ship could be my new home. I am not yet certain of that. It serves a purpose, that is all, the vessel that carries us from one mission to the next. _

_ She has also encouraged me to get to know the other members of the crew. I do not see how I will be able to get to know them all, and to attempt to do so seems as though it would be a distraction from all the important, fascinating work there is to be done around here. Nevertheless, I will take her advice into consideration. _

_ I am looking forward to all that this assignment will bring, and to telling you of all that I am sure I will learn here. _

_ Your daughter, _

_ Michael _

* * *

Michael and her mom and dad had moved around a lot during the first nine years of her life. They’d never stayed with one neighborhood, one school, one planet for too long. Her dad said it was for their work. Her mother would go to work on a research project at a different academic institution, or her father to do a study of an alien community living on a Federation colony world.

Every place they went, there were new buildings and streets and stores, new classrooms and new teachers and new kids. None of those things were home, really, not even on Doctari Alpha, where they’d stayed for nearly two years. Home was her dad’s books and her mom’s tools and her favorite stuffed toy rabbit. It was her dad’s laugh and her mom’s hugs. Home was wherever they were.

_ Until they weren’t anymore. _

* * *

_ Dear Michael, _

_ I’m so glad to hear you got there safely and that you’re doing well. I’m looking forward to hearing all about what you do. _

_ Captain Georgiou seems like an incredible woman, from what I know of her. I hope you’ll take full advantage of your opportunity to learn from her, and the others you’ll be serving under. And try not to isolate yourself too much. You don’t have to be friends with everybody or constantly be social, and you certainly shouldn’t neglect your duties, but it’s not healthy to always be on your own. I know you missed being around other humans sometimes. Take that opportunity as well. _

_ Whatever happens, know that I am very proud of you, and while of course I miss you, if you are happy, that is what really matters. _

_ Love, _

_ Mother _

* * *

On Vulcan, home was different. Michael got to know the high ceilings and wide rooms of Mother and Father’s house, the testing centers at school, the red sands of the desert. This was the place where she lived, the place where she would live for the foreseeable future, so what else would it be?

The people, though, were even more of a challenge than any she’d met before.

She did love Mother and Father and Spock, of course. Or at least she thought she did. Sometimes she wasn’t entirely sure what that meant anymore.

When Michael left home to attend the Vulcan Science Academy, she got to know new buildings, new rooms, new roads. She poured her energy into her studies, spending long hours in the library or in her bedroom with her work. At times, she spoke with her teachers, getting into long discussions with them about quantum physics or Edosian religious practices. 

All the other students seemed to do the same. And yet they seemed to have _ something _among themselves that Michael never did. Some Vulcans, Michael thought, seemed able to say so much with so little. A glance, a raised eyebrow, a twitch that almost seemed accidental. To most humans, they seemed expressionless--but Vulcans all knew what those little things meant. When Michael had first come to live with them, she’d had to scramble to catch up. Sometimes, she still wasn’t sure if she was communicating anything at all.

* * *

Several of the other science officers were sitting at a table together in the mess hall. Ensigns Jacobs and Peretti were talking animatedly about something or other, while Ensign Lundy looked on. Peretti said something which had clearly been very funny, because all three ensigns burst into giggles.

_ You used to be around people who behaved in this way all the time, _Michael reminded herself. Though they had been children, her classmates at the different schools she had attended before the Vulcan Learning Center had mostly been human, and acted accordingly. So had her teachers, her neighbors, and of course her parents... On Vulcan, even the children had been largely quiet and solemn. 

Of course, she had often found herself alone in all of those places too.

Once, when she had been the new girl at one of her old schools, another girl had come up to her at lunch and sat down. Hadn’t asked, just sat down. They had talked about… Michael didn’t even remember what, things that had presumably made sense to the little girls they were but likely wouldn’t have anymore. She had introduced Michael to some other kids… one of them had been showing everybody a caterpillar he’d found, she remembered that much… she had played with them at recess for the next four months until the family had moved on to Dad’s next assignment. _ Those were good memories, maybe-- _

_ Even if you had wanted to join those three ensigns, _ she told herself _ , you wouldn’t remember how. _

She caught a glimpse of Lieutenant Saru across the room, sitting by himself at another table with a plate of something green in front of him. Kelpiens were a vegetarian species, she remembered learning, as were Vulcans--though for Vulcans it was a moral stance rather than a biological necessity. They were also, from her understanding, a species largely driven by instinct and emotion, entirely unlike Vulcans in that regard. And yet, here they both were, each seated alone as everyone else seemed to be spending their lunch break with others.

_But I want it this way, of course,_ Michael thought. _Whether he does or not…_ _I do not know._

* * *

It was for the best that she was here. She should never have applied to the Vulcan Expeditionary Group in the first place. She did not know what she had been thinking. _ If I got in, it would only have brought more attention to me and to Spock and Mother and Father, and not good attention, not the kind of attention others who are accepted to the Vulcan Expeditionary Group receive. _

It was all for the best.

It was all for the best, and if it wasn’t, it was illogical to keep on dwelling on it now.

It was all for the best. 

The darkness of space seemed to stretch on forever, interrupted by the many, tiny little dots of light scattered across the view from the window of the empty room. Michael sat on the windowsill, looking out at it all.

“The stars truly are beautiful, are they not, Ensign?”

Michael got back down and stood up quickly, recognizing Captain Georgiou’s voice. “Captain,” she said, composing herself again. Georgiou had been standing off to the side; Michael did not know for how long. "I did not see you there."

“They’ll look a bit different wherever you go in the galaxy,” the captain continued. “Even if you go far enough on Earth. But a lot of them--though not all, all the way out here--are really the same. The perspective is much different, the context, the distance, but you’re looking at the same thing. It is simply a matter of how long it takes the light to reach you.”

Michael nodded, not quite sure where the captain was going with this.

“I’ve been meaning to check up on you,” Georgiou went on. “How has your first week been, on the Shenzhou?”

“It has been… quite fascinating,” Michael said, having found over the years that that was a word that served well in many situations when one did not want to say too much, at least not just yet.

“Oh?” Georgiou said.

"Yes," said Michael. "I am... very much looking forward to all that I hope to learn here. To visiting new planets."

"Naturally," said Captain Georgiou. "Although there is much to be learned right here as well, few join Starfleet content to remain within the confines of their ships indefinitely. And you, as an anthropologist, are surely anticipating gaining more field experience."

"Indeed, Captain." There was a pause. "I should return to my quarters," Michael continued. "I should sleep before I have to report for my shift in the morning."

"You came here to be alone," the captain said. "I did not mean to interrupt you."

"Yes--but I did not mean to--"

"Everyone does, from time to time," said Georgiou. "I do at times myself. It is, however, somewhat less frequent when one has an entire crew they are responsible for. For instance, there is always a new ensign to check up on, to ensure she is settling in well."

"I do appreciate it, Captain," said Michael.

"And now I will let you return to your thoughts. Here, or in your quarters, whichever you prefer."

Michael remained standing where she was as her captain turned and left the room. When Captain Georgiou was out of sight, Michael turned back to the window and looked outside once again. 

Surely there was a difference in the view from where they had been the day before, but it was hard to tell. 

* * *

_ Dear Mother, _

_ I have been on my first away mission. We--Commander Bell, Lieutenant Wilcox, Lieutenant Saru and myself--visited the first moon of Velox II. A Federation civilian shuttle had crash-landed there, and required our assistance. _

_ Some of the others on this ship appear to be quite challenging individuals. We had to land some distance from the crash site, and Lieutenant Saru repeatedly made suggestions to avoid perceived dangers that would have resulted in us taking much longer to reach the shuttle. Meanwhile, Lieutenant Wilcox wanted to stop several times to investigate inconsequential things we discovered on the way. Commander Bell had to-- _

This wasn’t what Mother would have wanted to hear. This wasn’t what Captain Georgiou would want to hear either. _They want me to take the opportunity I have been given, to try not to isolate myself, to call this ship my home__. _Not to hear about her criticisms of her colleagues’ typical non-Vulcan behavior. Not about the way she sounded wrong and she acted wrong and she felt wrong and she wanted the wrong things--

She wasn’t sure she knew _what_ she really wanted anymore. _Mother remembers the little girl I used to be, who was so...human, who didn’t understand Vulcan ways. But I’m _not _her anymore. I never will be again. That’s just how it is._

Michael remembered the copy of Alice in Wonderland that Mother had given her for her graduation. Father had always seemed a bit disapproving of the book, and even most humans would think of it as being more for children--but Mother had chosen it to send with Michael on her journey into adulthood. She had chosen it to read to Michael long ago, at another time when Michael had felt like the odd one out shortly after her arrival on Vulcan. _ Of course, she didn’t know yet--she couldn’t have--that I would end up here. Unless, of course, she suspected all along that I did not have what it took--but regardless, here I am. _

She took the book from her desk drawer and began to read, mouthing the words she had known by heart for years now--

_ ‘I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is, ‘who in the world am I?’ Ah, that’s the great puzzle!’ _

She felt like Alice once again, lost in a strange new world--no. Not lost. She would not let herself be lost. If she had any hope of making something of her life, of the circumstances as they were, she could not let herself be lost.

The Shenzhou wasn’t her home. Michael didn’t know if it ever truly would be. She _ couldn’t _ know. But it was the place where she lived, where she worked and ate and slept. And these were the people she would be alongside, at least for the time being. They were, for the most part, intelligent and dependable and good. Perhaps they would never be her friends in the human sense, but that was not what she was looking for, nor was it what she would have had in the Vulcan Expeditionary Group. She could work with them and learn from them, and maybe they could learn from her as well.

Maybe it wasn't all for the best, but it would have to be.


End file.
